My Childhood Horror   4 comments

When I was 8 years old, my dad used me as a pay off for his gambling debts. I lost my beautiful purity to a fat disgusting drunk gambler (sorry if these words offend anyone) when I was only 8!!!! This continued until I ran away at 15. I ended up being raped several times between that and the time I found the one who I thought would be my forever. We had kids and I ended it because he was mentally abusive like so many of the men my father “loaned” me to.

I have spent time dealing with all these issues and realized that it actually helped me discover some of my sexual limits and inhibitions as well. Of course, I am tested regularly because of all the rapes and attacks in my life (one of which created my extreme fear of choking to death and not enjoying anything that requires something tied around my throat).

I have tried to start a conversation with my father to see if there can be resolution to and reconciliation for everything that happened when I was a child. He refused and even blew me off by saying, “I need to go back to work so I can support my family.” He has recently remarried to a woman with two children, one of whom is an 8 year old girl. I am scared for her, although his new wife says he is not gambling anymore.  (I hope she is right). I guess with his last statement, he no longer considers me family so I have since let it go to the best of my ability and moved on. I do have four beautiful children who are my world. I will never let anything like this happen (if I can prevent it) to any one of them. My kids know that No means No and never let anyone push them around or force anything they do not want.

So, to sum it up, Dad was a sorry jerk, as were his buddies. There are always gonna be jerks out there who will rape for fun the illegal way. I am scared of being choked because of it. I do not think I can ever forgive 100%, but I can remember that it brought me to where and who I am today and that is all that matters.

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Posted March 19, 2012 by kinkididi in Uncategorized

4 responses to “My Childhood Horror

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  1. Just wanted to add an update on this particular experience…

    I found out the other day that one of the jerks that I was “loaned” to finally messed up and raped a little girl. He is now spending his life in prison thanks to new laws.

    It’s about time they did something to him!!!

    I was so happy to find out that I have set up a meeting with the warden of the prison he is in to see if I might be able to face him and ask why and get answers. I will be attending with the younger victim’s mother. I will update after.

  2. It is a good thing to be able to face your rapist and try to get answers. It does help with the healing. But try not to be disappointed if it does not go well. I am the leader of rape support group and many of my survivors have had the opportunity to face their rapists and it has not always gone well. Sometime the rapist blames the survivor, or becomes verbally aggressive and hurtful. I also got to face one of my rapists last year, just before he died and he whined and never apologized for what he did, although he demanded that I forgive him, not asked, demanded. I didn’t and couldn’t. He refused to give me information to find the other two men, even though I told him I just want to face them and ask questions. When I asked him why, he lied to me and didn’t really tell me anything. But it was worth it. I was able to put him behind me and let it go. Not the whole rape incident, there are still two out there and they still haunt my dreams now and then. But I felt satisfaction that I was able to face him and tell him what I felt, so it was worth it.
    Just remember you are strong and wonderful and nothing that happened was your fault. I wish you the best of luck and hope facing him helps with your healing.

  3. @subinsa2 and others- I actually got a time from the warden in MAY!!! It is gonna be a long time coming and even if it does not go well at least I get to look him in the eye and let him see what he did to and for me and the younger victim’s mother gets to ask her questions as well. That is what I need and hopefully she can get her answers.

    I do not think I can ever totally forgive either, but like I keep telling any who ask, I am a better and stronger woman because of all of it. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am who I am since it all and I am happy about it.

  4. UPDATE:

    Well, well, well. It has been a while since I was on last. I have since had my encounter with the above mentioned asshole.
    I went in. He walked in. He said hello with a stupid smirk on his face like he thought he had won or something.
    I quickly got to the point for my presence. I said simply, “Thank you.” He said HUH??
    I then proceeded to let him know that I was not giving him the victory but simply thanking him for the ability to find the strength within myself to be stronger and more aware of my surroundings and at the same time learn to kick the shit outta people like him when they try the same thing. And making sure he knew I was the victor, I pointed out that he would never again see his young son that his current wife just had less than 6 years ago. Never see him walk across the stage at graduation or down the aisle at his wedding. And, if I understood things right at his trial, never see him again, period, until he is 18 and able to make that choice himself legally.
    As I mentioned above, I attended this meeting with a very young girl’s mother. She got to ask her questions when I was finished letting him know what a dirty rotten piece of shit he was. She never got the answer she had gone there for, which was simply WHY???
    He refused to answer her questions.
    I nearly got removed from the room because I threatened to go across the table at him for being a stubborn worthless piece of shit and not giving her the answers she needed for her little girl in the future.
    When we left, I felt a sense of total relief for myself but a complete sense of anger for the young girl’s mother. I let her know to call me anytime she might have questions related to her young daughter growing up with this trauma in her heart and on her mind.
    All I can say is that I won for me and got to tell him what I thought and I hope he sees that no matter how many victims he may have, there is always gonna be at least one of us that triumphed from his ignorance and stupidity.
    Well, that is the update I promised and I am doing well, but unfortunately I got that victory not too long before losing my baby brother, so I am planning and grieving and trying to remember that not all men are pigs and/or rapists and/or assholes.

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