2 Days That Changed My Life   Leave a comment

I went to college with my high school boyfriend.  We moved into an apartment off campus and started classes.  We quickly settled into college life and our lives were very active and fun-filled.  T0 make a little extra money, it was expensive living off campus, I sang with a country and western band and he played the guitar for the same band.  One Friday night, the place was packed and right after we finished playing several guys came up to me, wanting to talk.  My boyfriend got very jealous and we headed home.  As soon as we got home, we started fighting.  I kept explaining to him that I wasn’t flirting, that I was just trying not to be rude.  He wasn’t listening and I was frustrated so I did what I always did when I was frustrated, I decided to go for a run.  It was a little after 2am, but our neighborhood was quiet and I had run in the early morning hours many times before.  I went into the bedroom and put on some sweats and my tennis shoes and told him that maybe he would be ready to talk when I got back.  I kissed him and went off to run my frustrations away.  I was angry and frustrated and just needed to cool down and so I was not as attentive to my surroundings as I should have been.  I ran for a ways, and didn’t notice the van that was slowing behind me.  All of a sudden it was just there, beside me and someone opened the side door and grabbed me and pulled me into the van.  He threw me face forward onto the floor of the van and tied my hands behind my back.  I struggled while he put a blindfold around my eyes.  The van was so dark I could see shadows but couldn’t make out who had grabbed me.  I started to scream and he hit me very hard and then shoved a wad of cloth into my mouth, then tied another piece around my head to hold it in.  The cloth smelled like gasoline and made me sick to my stomach.  He tied my feet together.  I couldn’t tell how long we drove around, but it seemed like forever.  Finally we stopped and I heard the van door open.  Someone picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and carried me .  I could tell we were going into a building by the change of sounds and smells.  It smelled strongly of mildew and rotting garbage.  The guy who was carrying me, dropped me to the floor.  I tried to move around, but there was very little space so I knew I was someplace small.  I heard the door close.  As soon as the door closed I could hear several voices on the other side.  Something started crawling on me.  It was too heavy to be a bug, then I felt more things crawling all over me.  I wanted to scream but because of the rag in my mouth, I wasn’t able to.  I started to choke and then the things crawling all over me started making noises.  I was raised in the country and recognized that sound.  There were rats in the room with me.  I struggled but there was no space and I was tied so tightly that I could not get away from them.  I tried to calm myself and after a while was able to get enough control that I settled down.  I could hear that there were several men in the room on the other side of the door.  They were talking about what they planned to do with me and who was going to go first.  I pushed myself up against the door so that I could hear better.  All of a sudden the voices stopped and the door opened.  When it did, since I was leaning against the door I fell backwards into the other room.  I still was blindfolded so I couldn’t see anything.  One of them picked me up and threw me forward.  I landed on something soft, felt like a mattress, but smelled like urine and mildew.  One of them started pulling at my clothes, but hard trouble since my legs and hands were tied.  I felt something cold go between my skin and clothing.  He was using something to cut off my clothes.  When he finished, he began to untie my hands.  I just reacted and started to push him away and struggle.  I reached for the blindfold and then he hit me in the head, really hard.  He began to hit me over and over again so hard that within a few minutes I was feeling stunned and couldn’t focus or move.  I don’t know if I passed out or what, but when I became aware again, I was on the bed with my hands tied above my head and my legs tied spread eagle to the end of the bed.  My hands were tied with rough rope and I guess I had been struggling because they felt wet, raw and sore.  One of them was on top of me, pushing him self into me.  Although I was not a virgin, it was painful and he was pushing hard, trying to work himself in deeper.  I began to struggle and scream.  I began to feel something warm dripping down my legs and then he began to hit me and screaming at me that I had gotten blood on his favorite shirt.  He kept hitting me over and over and the next thing I knew one of the other men was on top of me, taking his turn.  He was bigger and heavier and also much crueller than the first man.  He started biting and twisting my nipples, causing me extreme pain.  I screamed until I was hoarse.  They just laughed and I heard them joking about placing bets on how much more I could take.  The second man got off of me and another crawled on top.  He smelled horrible and was much bigger than the other two.  It felt like he was ripping me in two.  He continued until he came and then crawled off of me.  I had no more fight in me.  I just wanted it to be over.  One of them kneeled over my face and told me to open up.  I refused to open my mouth and he wrapped a belt around my neck and began to pull it tight, cutting off my air.  I couldn’t breathe and opened my mouth to try to get a breath.  When I did, he shoved his penis into my mouth.  I tried to turn my head away, but he grabbed ahold of my head and held it still.  He pushed in deeper and I began to gag.  He kept going deeper and finally I threw up.  This made him very angry and he pulled the belt off my neck and began to beat me with it.  After he beat me for a while he calmed down and then held me head and shoved himself back into my mouth.  He finally came down my throat and then one of the other men said it was his turn and he kneeled over my head and pushed himself inside my mouth.  He pushed himself so far in my throat and was so wide that I could not breathe and I must have passed out.

I came to in the closet.  My hands were loose so I pulled off the blindfold and saw that there were rats crawling all over me.  They were attracted by the blood all over my body and were biting me.  My legs were so numb that I could barely feel the bites there, but could feel those on my arms and the rest of my body.  I wanted to scream, but was afraid to because they would know I was awake and I was afraid they would pull me back out of the closet. I felt I had a chance with the rats, but knew my chances weren’t very good with these men.  I kept trying to push the rats off of me, but they were very aggressive and did not seem very afraid of me.  I heard someone approaching the door and thought if I saw their faces when they opened the door, they would have a good reason to kill me when they were finished with me.  I still had hope to live through this.  I pulled the blindfold back over my eyes, seconds before the door was opened and I fell backwards into the room.  One of them picked me up and threw me face forward onto the bed.  He began to sodomize me.  My boyfriend and I had just entered the lifestyle, but I had yet to have anal sex and so this was very painful and mentally traumatizing.  I endured it.  I just kept telling myself that it would soon be over.  He pulled out of me and the next one started.  It was too much and soon I guess I just separated my mind from my body.  I knew what they were doing to me, but I felt disconnected from my body and the pain.  It almost felt like I was watching from a distance and it was happening to someone else.  After the last man came inside of me, he grabbed my hair and pulled my head back.  Even to this day, I can still hear his voice and remember the words.  He said, “Did you enjoy my cock up your ass, cunt?”  Funny, but I don’t remember what I said to him, but it really pissed him off and he began to beat me with the belt again.  He just kept hitting me over and over until I slid to the floor and couldn’t move or make a sound any more.  I lay on that cold, hard floor and wished that they would just kill me and get it over with.  He began to kick me.  I covered my head with my arms and pulled my legs up against my body, but it did little to protect me.  I heard one of the other men tell him to stop or he would kill me before they finished having fun with me.  He began to cuss at me and then urinated all over my body.  The other two started laughing and then joined in.  I lay there for a few minutes then one of them picked me up and threw me back into the closet with the rats.  I don’t know how long I was in that closet.  I could tell I was seriously hurt.  It hurt to breathe and I think I had a concussion.  I threw up several times and had a horrible headache.  Finally when I became a little more aware, one of them pulled me out of the closet and they began to rape me every way they could, over and over again.  During one of the times in between them raping me, they were drinking and decided that I needed to loosen up a little.  They began to pour some whiskey down my throat.  It burned and tasted horrible.  I kept spitting it out and coughing and choking on it.  One of them said that maybe I could keep something else down and he shoved his penis into my mouth and began to urinate.   I started to choke and spit, so he held my mouth closed and the other pinched my nose closed until I was forced to swallow.  They apparently thought this was very funny and began to laugh.  I felt totally degraded.  They left me alone for a little while and sat beside the bed drinking.  Then they got up and began to rape and torture me all over again.  They seemed to get angrier and angrier as they went on.  Maybe because they could not get a reaction out of me any longer.  I just couldn’t respond any more, no crying, moaning or even a little whimper. One of them said that he could get a response out of me and began to cut little slices on my breasts, stomach and down my thighs.  This did get a response.  I began to scream and struggle.  This really seemed to get him off.  He leaned over me and came all over my face.  Some of it dripped into my mouth and I began to gag.  My mind just seemed to shut down at this point and I drifted off, disconnected from my body.  He put the belt around my neck again and began to pull it tight.  I couldn’t breathe, but it didn’t matter any more.  It was a way out of the pain.  I just wanted them to get it over and kill me.  They continued to try to get a response, but I wasn’t there anymore.  One of them said he would get a response out of me.  He untied my left hand and broke the little finger.  I didn’t make a sound.  He continued with all of the other fingers until he had broken all of them on the left hand.  I still did not respond.  I couldn’t, there was nothinleft inside.He picked up the right hand and began to break those fingers.  Again, no response.  He slapped me hard and asked, “Are you in there bitch?”  One of them took my left nipple in his mouth and bit down hard.  I felt intense pain and that seemed to pull me back into my body and I screamed.  He laughed and said, ” I told you I could make her scream.”  Then he took the right nipple in his mouth and bit down hard, causing me to scream again.  I couldn’t take any more and began to beg them to kill me.  I felt a sharp burning pain in my side.  One of them whispered into my ear, ” You’re such a fucking whore, I’ll kill you.”  I heard myself thanking him, glad that it was going to be over soon,  I felt two more sharp, burning pressures on my side and then nothing.  I guess I passed out because the next time I became aware, I was on the floor of the van and I heard them discussing where they were going to dump my body.  Then it was really cold and I was falling.  I hit the cold, hard pavement and heard the van race away.  I don’t know how long I lay there.  I couldn’t feel anything anymore except cold.  Then I heard a voice that I recognized asking me what happened.  It was one of my class mates and when she pulled off the blindfold, I could see she was crying.  She kept telling me to hold on, that the ambulance and my boyfriend was coming.  Then all of a sudden there were lots of people around me.  They were trying to stop the bleeding, trying to take care of me.  They kept asking me questions, but I couldn’t talk.  Then I heard his voice and looked into his eyes.  He told me to stay with him.  He looked so upset.  I wanted to tell him that it was okay, I just needed to sleep.  But they just kept at me.  I heard him tell the police officer that I had been missing for a couple of days.  They put me into the ambulance and everything went dark again.

I woke up almost three weeks later.  They had to do surgery to repair the knife wounds.  The first time he stabbed me he just pushed it in and pulled it back out, but the second and third time, he twisted the knife, causing some serious damage.  I had both hands/fingers broken, ribs broken, my left arm was broken, extensive bruising all over my body, concussion, broken nose, vaginal and anal tears, and rat bites all over my body.  My doctor told me I was lucky to be alive, that I had been in a catatonic stage for almost three weeks.  After he left, my boyfriend came and sat down beside my bed.  He stroked my hair and told me it would be alright.  I began to cry and told him that it would never be alright again.  I told him that they should have just let me die.  He told me that he never wanted to hear me say such a thing again.  He loved me and would never let anyone hurt me again.  He held me while I cried myself to sleep.

The next day they send in a therapist to talk to me, but I just shut down and refused to talk about it.  He tried to push me into talking but it just sent me into a really bad panic attack so he stopped and left my room.  They continued to try for a week before I was discharged from the hospital.  We went home and I just existed.  I couldn’t stand to be touched, I showered 10 times a day.  I just felt so dirty.  A couple of weeks after I came home, two policemen came by the apartment to talk to me.  They had found the place where I had been taken.  They found my clothing and a mattress soaked with blood.  They told me that they didn’t find anything that could lead them to the men who took me so they needed to ask me some questions.  One of them asked me why the men had chosen me to take.  Could it be someone who I had flirted with, or maybe was fooling around with.  Maybe it was the clothes I was wearing.  I was stunned.  They thought it was my fault.  My boyfriend got angry and told them that no one thinks gray sweats are sexy and that I was not a flirt and did not fool around on him.  He told them to get out and find the monsters that did this to me.  I ran to the bathroom and started throwing up.  I felt raped all over again. He came into the bathroom and held my hair and rubbed my back while I threw up.  When I finished I told him I needed to take a shower and needed some time alone.  I turned on the shower as hot as I could get it and climbed in and scrubbed my skin until it was raw.  I started to cry and sat down on the floor of the tub and cried until there was nothing left.  He came into the bathroom and climbed into the tub, clothes and all, and held me until I was finished.  Then he picked me up and carried me to our bed and set me down.  He went and got a towel and dried me off.  Then he tucked me into bed and lay down beside me and held me until I was asleep.

My life was hard after that.  I shoved the memory of what happened deep down inside.  I refused to talk about it and after a couple of years, the nightmare I had every night, reliving the incident, began to fade away.  We didn’t talk about what happened and I refused to see a therapist.  For now I had it buried deep and was happy as long as I didn’t have to think about it.  They didn’t find the men who raped and tortured me and it wasn’t until many years later that I was able to face one of them.


Posted April 3, 2012 by subinsa2 in Uncategorized

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Getting screwed again by my HMO   3 comments

I’ve been in excruciating lower back pain, off and on since last September. I’ve had injections, chiropractic, Physical Therapy, Traction, and Acupuncture. Yesterday, I had to use the electric cart at my grocery story and was in unrelenting pain; fortunately one of the employees went around the store with me to get my groceries and help me checkout. On a scale of 1-10, this pain is a 12 and literally stops me in my tracks, and it has been nagging/gnawing at me for a good while, and only recently got even worse.

I have an HMO for health insurance and that means going through a primary care physician to get authorized/referred to a specialist. I have a pain management specialist who treated me for this last May-July. Since then I have been trying for relief through other modalities. I am not one to take narcotics for pain; I do have a tens unit and an ice pack. A week ago I made an appointment for tomorrow with the pain management specialist and have been awaiting the referral authorization since then. It should have been done within 48 hours. It is now a week later and guess what? I’ve just been called and informed that I have been authorized for a ‘visit’/consultation and must do that before I can get any treatment. That is what my appointment tomorrow is going to be even though I was very specific in requesting authorization for a treatment that I had had before from the same doctor.

The doctor has decided that she needs to see me first and then submit a request for treatment. The referral coordinator ignored my request and after a week submitted the request for an office visit. The result is that tomorrow, instead of getting the pain management treatment that I so desperately need, I’ll have 1 minute consultation that the doctor will bill more than $500 for to the insurance company (no wonder the costs are skyrocketing), and then tell me what the treatment will be and that an authorization request will be needed for another appointment.

Under the best of circumstances these referral authorizations take 48-72 hours to be approved. Factor in the time for the doctor to  compose her notes, send them to the transcriptionist so that her clinical notes can be sent to the primary care physician, fax that request to the primary physician. I’m looking at another 3-4 day minimum, before the authorization request will be made. That’s assuming that the referral coordinator does not forget to check the fax machines (and she has gone on vacation before, leaving one of these unattended), and submits the request. Then, if the request is made for STAT (ASA approval, expediting the authorization, it will be 48-72 hours for it to happen. Then I’ll have to make an appointment with the pain management doctor, who does huge business, and it could be at least a week, or even more, for another appointment.

Under the best of circumstances, I’ll be getting the treatment a week from tomorrow. Under the usual circumstance, I don’t really know how long it will be.

To make matters worse, I received a message just now from the referral coordinator telling me that she can no longer handle this matter because I have been transferred to another primary care physician (that does not go into effect until April 1, and I may have to wait until then, after a visit to that doctor on April 2, before the referral request can be made.

I may suffer excruciating pain between now and the second week in April, unless a miracle happens. This is worse than catch 22; it’s a good example of the flaws in the medical care system, particularly in the HMO, less expensive type, health insurance system.

I have a fairly high pain threshold; but this pain stops me in my tracks…I don’t know what I’m going to do until I get that pain injection.

My Childhood Horror   4 comments

When I was 8 years old, my dad used me as a pay off for his gambling debts. I lost my beautiful purity to a fat disgusting drunk gambler (sorry if these words offend anyone) when I was only 8!!!! This continued until I ran away at 15. I ended up being raped several times between that and the time I found the one who I thought would be my forever. We had kids and I ended it because he was mentally abusive like so many of the men my father “loaned” me to.

I have spent time dealing with all these issues and realized that it actually helped me discover some of my sexual limits and inhibitions as well. Of course, I am tested regularly because of all the rapes and attacks in my life (one of which created my extreme fear of choking to death and not enjoying anything that requires something tied around my throat).

I have tried to start a conversation with my father to see if there can be resolution to and reconciliation for everything that happened when I was a child. He refused and even blew me off by saying, “I need to go back to work so I can support my family.” He has recently remarried to a woman with two children, one of whom is an 8 year old girl. I am scared for her, although his new wife says he is not gambling anymore.  (I hope she is right). I guess with his last statement, he no longer considers me family so I have since let it go to the best of my ability and moved on. I do have four beautiful children who are my world. I will never let anything like this happen (if I can prevent it) to any one of them. My kids know that No means No and never let anyone push them around or force anything they do not want.

So, to sum it up, Dad was a sorry jerk, as were his buddies. There are always gonna be jerks out there who will rape for fun the illegal way. I am scared of being choked because of it. I do not think I can ever forgive 100%, but I can remember that it brought me to where and who I am today and that is all that matters.

Posted March 19, 2012 by kinkididi in Uncategorized

Getting fired again, as the host of a famous North Carolina restaurant   Leave a comment

To be continued…

Posted February 24, 2012 by djrnfla in Uncategorized

Held up at gunpoint at Domino’s Pizza   2 comments

Probably one of the scariest moments in my life. I was minding my own business at a Domino’s Pizza store when all of a sudden a young black man appeared with a gun. The store was being held up. This was about the time of that slaughter in a McDonald’s in California. This man was the lookout as his partner was in the office holding up the manager. I made the mistake of trying to hide my wallet and he noticed, came over to me, and put his gun in my chest and took the wallet. There were several others there at the same time, including one of the Domino’s employees (who later said that he wanted to knock the gun out of the man’s hand but was afraid that it would go off and I would be shot.)

Shortly after that, the other thief came running out, and the gunman left with him. The store manager was right on their heels and pursued them into the parking lot, where he managed to slap his hands on the trunk of their car as they fled. By sheer coincidence, a police car came by and the store manager told them what had just happened. A long, high speed pursuit followed; they were ultimately arrested. I was in shock; we all were stunned. The manager came back and tried to calm everyone down. I went home and had a sleepless night, feeling violated by the incident. I couldn’t believe what had happened! I was grateful to be alive. While the robbery attempt was in progress, we all were thinking about the McDonald’s tragedy and were wondering if we might be facing the same fate. Fortunately it did not work out that way!

I was interviewed twice by a detective who showed me photos and I was unable to identify the man who put the gun in my chest. They had been arrested however, even though they had ditched their guns out the window during the police pursuit. If it weren’t for the fingerprints of the store manager on the trunk of their car, they would not have been charged.

There was a trial and I was subpoena’d as a witness. Fortunately, at the trial of the older one who had gone into the manager’s office, we were informed that the gunman who had been the lookout (and put his gun in my chest), had already pleaded guilty, and that we would not be needed as witnesses. That was the end of it; justice was served.

It was a very traumatic experience for me. I was shaken. It was days before I was able to let go of the feelings of terror that I experienced with the gun in my chest. My worst nightmare.

In the end, I was grateful to be alive and know that the perps had been caught and were sent to prison. I survived.

You never know when this can happen. You see/read the news of violent encounters of all kinds; people highjacked, missing, killed, etc. and you think that it could never happen to you…well, it can.


Posted February 20, 2012 by djrnfla in Uncategorized

When I Got Fired as Maitre De at Rene’s Supper Club   1 comment

I was just doing my job…

As the maitre de/host at a night club that offered good music and dancing, my job was to make sure the customers were taken care of, handle reservations and special seating arrangements, and contribute to the friendly atmosphere of the place. It attracted a lot of single women because of the music and ‘safe environment’. The owner was also the featured singer and sounded like a replica of Neil Diamond. I got to know and be known by many of the regular customers who depended on me to ensure their ‘safety’ while they enjoyed the music. I believe that after a few months there, my reputation was contributing to the popularity of the club, attracting many new customers, mainly single women, as well as long time regular singles and couples. I was introduced to some of the ‘special’ regular customers who were friends of the owner/performer, and on several occasions was asked to stay after hours to dance with some of his very special friends.

One night a couple of clearly underage girls arrived and I did not allow them to come in, thinking that I was doing my job and showing loyalty to the owner in protecting him from any legal problems.

After work the very next day, the owner asked to see me at the end of the night. He fired me on the spot…(unbeknownst to me, those young girls were daughters of some his very special friends who were at the club the previous night.) I was not given any choice or opportunity to defend my actions. How was I supposed to know that these young girls were special guests?

I lost my job, my only source of income at the time, when all I was doing was my job, looking after the best interests of the owner and his club. I got screwed! Don’t you agree?


Posted February 20, 2012 by djrnfla in Uncategorized

My Second Victim Story: The Theft of My Inheritance!   Leave a comment

Wait until you hear this one…

To be continued.

Posted February 20, 2012 by djrnfla in Uncategorized